If anything being schizo and having so many thoughts should be less of a reason to want to kill oneself. Anyone else's life would be boring.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I still agree with this statement.
Remember back to when it first hit. I don't hear any voices. The TV does not talk to me. Its all bullshit.
Edit 9/4/2014 - Still not hearing voices but the TV and radio DO talk to me sometimes. I've become more leaniant and I am trying to get back to the way I was in that sense. Doesnt matter if the neighbors are watching it too, you need to focus on your life in the here and now.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
Thursday, September 4, 2014
9/16/2012
I need to think more about the big issues. Like democracy.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I still have that problem :p
Edit 9/4/2014 - I still have that problem :p
9/15/2012
Someone left a message on the machine "May I speak to Catherine? Hello?" and I thought it somehow related to us being bad people.
"Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
Edit 9/4/2014 - I've been laughing much more these days. I really sleep and really breathe, but I eat too fast still. I argue with my brother. I feel alive again, something I couldnt say when I first made this post.
"Neither stress nor happiness is contained in things, events, or situations. Things are just things, events are merely events, situations are only situations. Its up to you to supply your reaction to them. You get to choose."
This is something I know very well from being schizo. Every event is just that. An event. I have to bring the attitude I want for it to live up to for what it SHOULD be. Tonight I'm gonna laugh my ass off. Or dance my ass off. Thats cool too.
I just realized, I can change subjects or move to something really fast in conversation.
Edit 9/4/2014 - Thats not necessarily a good thing. Chill is good too.
"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty."
It felt good to stay late a few minutes at work just to help Donna with one quick thing.
I used to laugh so much and I keep comparing my life to back then. Its a guaranteed losing scenario. Dont compare anything. Besides the only reason I liked it so much back then is because I was so used to it.
I need to call my friends more. Especially Emily.
WOW. Life is so good listening to the first TATW song after a week of dubstep. It is so peaceful and blissful.
Being schizo is so like being OH LIKE A BOSS. It really is. Thinking back to my racing thoughts days I used to have to be sucha boss to overcome those situations.
Being a drunk all the time you would want to feel lifes pleasures and fail miserably. You would go into work drunk and it would just be terrible. You would learn nothing out of life!
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
"Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
Edit 9/4/2014 - I've been laughing much more these days. I really sleep and really breathe, but I eat too fast still. I argue with my brother. I feel alive again, something I couldnt say when I first made this post.
"Neither stress nor happiness is contained in things, events, or situations. Things are just things, events are merely events, situations are only situations. Its up to you to supply your reaction to them. You get to choose."
This is something I know very well from being schizo. Every event is just that. An event. I have to bring the attitude I want for it to live up to for what it SHOULD be. Tonight I'm gonna laugh my ass off. Or dance my ass off. Thats cool too.
I just realized, I can change subjects or move to something really fast in conversation.
Edit 9/4/2014 - Thats not necessarily a good thing. Chill is good too.
"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty."
It felt good to stay late a few minutes at work just to help Donna with one quick thing.
I used to laugh so much and I keep comparing my life to back then. Its a guaranteed losing scenario. Dont compare anything. Besides the only reason I liked it so much back then is because I was so used to it.
I need to call my friends more. Especially Emily.
WOW. Life is so good listening to the first TATW song after a week of dubstep. It is so peaceful and blissful.
Being schizo is so like being OH LIKE A BOSS. It really is. Thinking back to my racing thoughts days I used to have to be sucha boss to overcome those situations.
Being a drunk all the time you would want to feel lifes pleasures and fail miserably. You would go into work drunk and it would just be terrible. You would learn nothing out of life!
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
9/14/2012
I can relate to ANYONE.
My past is a good in every way. Especially my thoughts.
I used to think that it takes a while (like days, weeks, months) for some (even the simplest of thoughts) to eventually sink into my mind. Thats a load of shit and I know it. Thoughts come and go as they please. They are only existent for the moment. Some thoughts are remembered. I don't think some thoughts are partially created in your brain and then grow. Thats ridiculous.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I think it is possible for thoughts to grow over time. How did I one day magically see patterns in the stock market?
Irene just called and I feel bad about not picking up. Its funny that I actually think because of my schizo I cater to peoples needs. In reality I do what I want.
I need to make more sense of feelings.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I have a greater, but not perfect understanding of my feelings. It helps for me to focus on my state of mind.
What is blocking my ability to enjoy things?
If I can feel withdrawn during conversation, I can feel comfortable and apart of a conversation. One might argue that I dont feel as stimulated on the computer because of a chemical imbalance. Then again, maybe I feel like an adult now because of my ability to organize so many different feelings to describe one feeling that fits. But is that just a thought of a feeling and no longer a true feeling? I do have feelings. They are not as profound as they used to be, but they are there. I'm sure I could be more in tune with my feelings.
I suppose then it is thought blocking my ability to enjoy things?
Because I did just say I don't feel stimulated by the computer. That is clearly false, otherwise I wouldnt be on it every spare moment of the day i have, nor would I feel so passionate when I talk about it.
Is worry causing me to not stay focused? Am I really that unfocused? IS IT MY FOCUS PROBLEM THAT IS BLOCKING MY ABILITY TO ENJOY THINGS?
I am fully capable of complex rational thought.
Goodnight, I have class in the morning.
Jesus said the kingdom of heaven resides within yourself.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I got high with my brother for the first time on kush (I had been smoking regs for a year). That was the most heavenly experience I have had ever as far back as I can remember. I want it back.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
My past is a good in every way. Especially my thoughts.
I used to think that it takes a while (like days, weeks, months) for some (even the simplest of thoughts) to eventually sink into my mind. Thats a load of shit and I know it. Thoughts come and go as they please. They are only existent for the moment. Some thoughts are remembered. I don't think some thoughts are partially created in your brain and then grow. Thats ridiculous.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I think it is possible for thoughts to grow over time. How did I one day magically see patterns in the stock market?
Irene just called and I feel bad about not picking up. Its funny that I actually think because of my schizo I cater to peoples needs. In reality I do what I want.
I need to make more sense of feelings.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I have a greater, but not perfect understanding of my feelings. It helps for me to focus on my state of mind.
What is blocking my ability to enjoy things?
If I can feel withdrawn during conversation, I can feel comfortable and apart of a conversation. One might argue that I dont feel as stimulated on the computer because of a chemical imbalance. Then again, maybe I feel like an adult now because of my ability to organize so many different feelings to describe one feeling that fits. But is that just a thought of a feeling and no longer a true feeling? I do have feelings. They are not as profound as they used to be, but they are there. I'm sure I could be more in tune with my feelings.
I suppose then it is thought blocking my ability to enjoy things?
Because I did just say I don't feel stimulated by the computer. That is clearly false, otherwise I wouldnt be on it every spare moment of the day i have, nor would I feel so passionate when I talk about it.
Is worry causing me to not stay focused? Am I really that unfocused? IS IT MY FOCUS PROBLEM THAT IS BLOCKING MY ABILITY TO ENJOY THINGS?
I am fully capable of complex rational thought.
Goodnight, I have class in the morning.
Jesus said the kingdom of heaven resides within yourself.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I got high with my brother for the first time on kush (I had been smoking regs for a year). That was the most heavenly experience I have had ever as far back as I can remember. I want it back.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
I'm going to start by looking at my first journal entry. I quoted on 9/13/2012
"To Epicurus, the greatest good is in seeking modest pleasures, to attain tranquility and freedom from fear (ataraxia) via knowledge, friendship, and virtuous, temperate living; bodily pain (aponia) is absent through one's knowledge of the workings of the world and of the limits of one's desires. Combined, freedom from pain and freedom from fear are happiness in its highest form."
I knew that knowledge of the workings of the world would make me happy and thats why I began to question my world view as a schizo. I really was a step ahead of everybody as I had freedom from pain and freedom from fear. This isnt the same as absence of pain and fear. Absence can come as a temporary state of mind. Freedom is a long term sense and is a great explanation for true happiness.
Living a life of pleasure bay not be a bad thing even though it goes against the way I (and most suburbanites) view the world.
"If action A is done towards achieving goal B, then goal B also would have a goal, goal C, and goal C also would have a goal, and so would continue this pattern, until something stopped its infinite regression."
Therefore, I must truly BELIEVE (that I can believe, no more of this belief over time bs) money will not make me happy. A person driving a Porsche is my equal. There is NO difference between us.
"One need not fear death, because "Death is nothing to us; for that which is dissolved, is without sensation, and that which lacks sensation is nothing to us."
I no longer fear death and infact (unfortunately) looking forward to it in many senses.
I have subconciously been avoiding thought... about the meaning of life.
I guess my major question is HOW (not just can I) can I be happy if I still have this dark thought haunting my soul which is telling me that I am not thinking enough throught the day. My answer to that is I have always been this quiet and I just somehow overcame it.
On one hand, it is definately good to moderate pleasure because it was too much pleasure that overstimulated my system and caused my break down. On the other hand there are many reasons for my break down and pleasure may not even be a factor.
9/4/2014 edit - I believe I happened to develop in a way that this is. So no reason(s) caused my illness.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
"To Epicurus, the greatest good is in seeking modest pleasures, to attain tranquility and freedom from fear (ataraxia) via knowledge, friendship, and virtuous, temperate living; bodily pain (aponia) is absent through one's knowledge of the workings of the world and of the limits of one's desires. Combined, freedom from pain and freedom from fear are happiness in its highest form."
I knew that knowledge of the workings of the world would make me happy and thats why I began to question my world view as a schizo. I really was a step ahead of everybody as I had freedom from pain and freedom from fear. This isnt the same as absence of pain and fear. Absence can come as a temporary state of mind. Freedom is a long term sense and is a great explanation for true happiness.
Living a life of pleasure bay not be a bad thing even though it goes against the way I (and most suburbanites) view the world.
"If action A is done towards achieving goal B, then goal B also would have a goal, goal C, and goal C also would have a goal, and so would continue this pattern, until something stopped its infinite regression."
Therefore, I must truly BELIEVE (that I can believe, no more of this belief over time bs) money will not make me happy. A person driving a Porsche is my equal. There is NO difference between us.
"One need not fear death, because "Death is nothing to us; for that which is dissolved, is without sensation, and that which lacks sensation is nothing to us."
I no longer fear death and infact (unfortunately) looking forward to it in many senses.
I have subconciously been avoiding thought... about the meaning of life.
I guess my major question is HOW (not just can I) can I be happy if I still have this dark thought haunting my soul which is telling me that I am not thinking enough throught the day. My answer to that is I have always been this quiet and I just somehow overcame it.
On one hand, it is definately good to moderate pleasure because it was too much pleasure that overstimulated my system and caused my break down. On the other hand there are many reasons for my break down and pleasure may not even be a factor.
9/4/2014 edit - I believe I happened to develop in a way that this is. So no reason(s) caused my illness.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
Ok so this log is now 2 years old.
My general feeling of life at that time was like I was on crack. So much stimulation from being around people (and I'm sensitive) that at times it was hard to handle. My friends described me as humble.
I have entries in my journal that start 9/13/2012. At that time I was in school at Governors State University. I graduated December 2012. My memory is terrible that is part of the reason I decided to write this. Its my short term memory mostly, I will have a train of thought, then give that thought a break or think of something else, and cant for the life of me remember what I just remembered. I started not caring about that once I started smoking pot. But it was always there. Before pot I worked hard to get that thought back. I worked hard on a lot of things that made me a different, better person.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
My general feeling of life at that time was like I was on crack. So much stimulation from being around people (and I'm sensitive) that at times it was hard to handle. My friends described me as humble.
I have entries in my journal that start 9/13/2012. At that time I was in school at Governors State University. I graduated December 2012. My memory is terrible that is part of the reason I decided to write this. Its my short term memory mostly, I will have a train of thought, then give that thought a break or think of something else, and cant for the life of me remember what I just remembered. I started not caring about that once I started smoking pot. But it was always there. Before pot I worked hard to get that thought back. I worked hard on a lot of things that made me a different, better person.
Day trading is good for us because its hard for us outside the house and we are exceptionally creative. Learn how at www.holygrailfutures.com
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