I'm going to start by looking at my first journal entry. I quoted on 9/13/2012
"To Epicurus, the greatest good is in seeking modest pleasures, to attain tranquility and freedom from fear (ataraxia) via knowledge, friendship, and virtuous, temperate living; bodily pain (aponia) is absent through one's knowledge of the workings of the world and of the limits of one's desires. Combined, freedom from pain and freedom from fear are happiness in its highest form."

I knew that knowledge of the workings of the world would make me happy and thats why I began to question my world view as a schizo. I really was a step ahead of everybody as I had freedom from pain and freedom from fear. This isnt the same as absence of pain and fear. Absence can come as a temporary state of mind. Freedom is a long term sense and is a great explanation for true happiness.

Living a life of pleasure bay not be a bad thing even though it goes against the way I (and most suburbanites) view the world.
"If action A is done towards achieving goal B, then goal B also would have a goal, goal C, and goal C also would have a goal, and so would continue this pattern, until something stopped its infinite regression."
Therefore, I must truly BELIEVE (that I can believe, no more of this belief over time bs) money will not make me happy. A person driving a Porsche is my equal. There is NO difference between us.

"One need not fear death, because "Death is nothing to us; for that which is dissolved, is without sensation, and that which lacks sensation is nothing to us."
I no longer fear death and infact (unfortunately) looking forward to it in many senses.

I have subconciously been avoiding thought... about the meaning of life.

I guess my major question is HOW (not just can I) can I be happy if I still have this dark thought haunting my soul which is telling me that I am not thinking enough throught the day. My answer to that is I have always been this quiet and I just somehow overcame it.

On one hand, it is definately good to moderate pleasure because it was too much pleasure that overstimulated my system and caused my break down. On the other hand there are many reasons for my break down and pleasure may not even be a factor.
9/4/2014 edit - I believe I happened to develop in a way that this is. So no reason(s) caused my illness.

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