9/14/2012

I can relate to ANYONE.

My past is a good in every way. Especially my thoughts.

I used to think that it takes a while (like days, weeks, months) for some (even the simplest of thoughts) to eventually sink into my mind. Thats a load of shit and I know it. Thoughts come and go as they please. They are only existent for the moment. Some thoughts are remembered. I don't think some thoughts are partially created in your brain and then grow. Thats ridiculous.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I think it is possible for thoughts to grow over time. How did I one day magically see patterns in the stock market?

Irene just called and I feel bad about not picking up. Its funny that I actually think because of my schizo I cater to peoples needs. In reality I do what I want.
I need to make more sense of feelings.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I have a greater, but not perfect understanding of my feelings. It helps for me to focus on my state of mind.

What is blocking my ability to enjoy things?
If I can feel withdrawn during conversation, I can feel comfortable and apart of a conversation. One might argue that I dont feel as stimulated on the computer because of a chemical imbalance. Then again, maybe I feel like an adult now because of my ability to organize so many different feelings to describe one feeling that fits. But is that just a thought of a feeling and no longer a true feeling? I do have feelings. They are not as profound as they used to be, but they are there. I'm sure I could be more in tune with my feelings.
I suppose then it is thought blocking my ability to enjoy things?
Because I did just say I don't feel stimulated by the computer. That is clearly false, otherwise I wouldnt be on it every spare moment of the day i have, nor would I feel so passionate when I talk about it.
Is worry causing me to not stay focused? Am I really that unfocused? IS IT MY FOCUS PROBLEM THAT IS BLOCKING MY ABILITY TO ENJOY THINGS?

I am fully capable of complex rational thought.
Goodnight, I have class in the morning.

Jesus said the kingdom of heaven resides within yourself.
Edit 9/4/2014 - I got high with my brother for the first time on kush (I had been smoking regs for a year). That was the most heavenly experience I have had ever as far back as I can remember. I want it back.

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